Say it OnLy if you mean it.

Sunday, May 27, 2007 at 8:05 AM

oh my gosh. i have no voice now. really no voice. today check in all done by my colleague, i was just in charge of cancelling the seats and taking note of other not so important stuff that allows me not to open my mouth and talk. i can't even talk properly. out of the 10 notes that i spoke, i think about 3 or 4 notes are with no sound. feel so pathetic, this has never happen to me before. i feel so insecure. =(

yesterday had wanton noodle for breakfast but i only ate about less than 10 mouthfuls and threw it away. felt quite full and the noodle taste horrible anyway. had only fruit and fruit juice for lunch. was not too bad, satisfying and enjoying. after working and after one session of tuition, i went home and slept. i was so tired. i slept all the way through but i jump up from my sleep because i thought it was already the next day and i was late for work. i have to took some time for me to realise that it is actually still the same day, then after that, i went back to sleep again. super pig but can't blame. really not enough sleep. by the way, i had fish porridge for dinner at about 9plus. wanted to skip dinner but my parents bought it so i got no choice. sinful.

the assignment due date is next next week and i have not really done anything about it. not that i don't want to do but i just don't know what to do. it's okay, i will figure it out on my own somehow. what to do, since it is a individual assignment. POM and HRM, i don't like.

is it really so hard to do something, even though it is something that you have not done before? promising someone is so hard? probably cause you have no confidence that's why you are afraid to give your promise and not because you always don't give promises to anyone. what i really need was just an assurance from someone to tell me that what i am doing is right and that is difficult when you claimed that you are trying to help me? i don't need any help of guiding me out of the lost woods or my problems. i can settle them by my own and i have always had. i'm just stubborn. i have a rotten attitude and i always throw temper. that is the true me. and sometimes, i'm bloody childish too. so what? i'm just a teenager, and i don't have to grow up so quickly!

what is to happen? i'm surprised at myself for saying all this. never had i talk about all this to someone that i am not even close with but who cares, i still got ignored in the end. 同人不同命。
haha. talking about 1000% impossible. hurting me again is nothing since it is already not the first time.

selfish, just being selfish and self-centred.

even after trying and knowing that you have failed, at least be happy that you have more courage compared to other people because you tried and not hide what you want to say.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Saturday, May 26, 2007 at 7:11 AM

the chalet was fun. at least it was better than i expected. the only thing that was bad was that i had totally not enough sleep. everytime when i was about to fall asleep, someone or something will wake me up. people will come in and out of the door or if not my friend who is sleeping beside me will suddenly jump or make some noise and wake me up and the worse is, people SNORE! how to sleep? so i ended up having a hard time sleeping and to add to what's already worse, the bed was so hard and the pillow was so high. anyway, i still find it fun. another one more chalet guys?

pictures, i will probably post it up when i'm at home and free. wanted to post when jas sent me all the pictures but as usual, LAZY!

Pirates of the Caribbean screened on the 24/05/07 and today is the 26/05/07. i've already watch twice of the same show and for both of the times, i fall asleep during parts of the show. not that it is very boring but i just cannot stand fighting scenes. i find them very boring. the movie is actually quite good, having some comical parts but i think probably cause the show is too long. my friend also find it quite hard to keep awake.

i'm crazy. i don't know why did i say all this things. i mean, that is seriously not me. i know that right now i don't have any feelings for anyone but why did i say all that? probably i just want a word, i just want something for my mind to settle. i don't want to keep thinking about it. it has been bothering me for quite some time. the answer that i have doesn't even do any good. isn't it the same as not saying anything? there was a big miscommunication. what to do?

what is he to me? a friend? what am i thinking? i don't know. i just don't want to end up heartbroken again. enough of all this heartaches, once bitten, twice shy. what will be, will be. we'll see how. i'm trying hard.

oh my. i'm so tired. woke up at 5am and slept only at 12plus. that is less than 5 hours of sleep and i think tonight is going to be the same thing too. and the on monday have to wake up early cause i have class at 9 in the morning, waited for some irritating person reply from msn and ended up giving some stupid answer and then say that he is going out. come on, who should be giving in? i have work at 5 the next morning and i am sacrificing my sleep and in the end you just said bye and that you would have to go? seriously irritating. i hate all this. i don't think i deserve all this kind of treatment from someone that don't even care or someone that i don't really care. why do people think like that? i hate giving and giving. i'm already very tired.

i want to watch spiderman 3. i know i'm abit late cause the show has already been screened for quite some time but now, i have someone to accompany to watch it, i'm gonna watch it. if nothing goes wrong, tuesday at great world with jas. we have class in the afternoon so we are watching the 11am show. hopefully.

nothing much to say.

we just need that little courage to do what we really want and what we think we like.

all the best. sis. you rock! you have proved to be brave. =)

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Sunday, May 20, 2007 at 6:22 AM

i almost screamed this morning when i walk out of my house to get a cab. there are like so many CATS around. this is what happen when you feed cats. they get dependant on you and when it is about 5plus close to 6am, all the cats will come under my house, waiting for their food. and i seriously hate it! if people like cats, then they should keep them all in their flats instead of letting them straying around.

now i know checking buses can be so fun. once in a while it's fine but if you ask me to do everyday it is going to be so so tired. was practically running around like a mad man. looking for buses, ensuring that everyone board the bus, then have to get the counter staff to call people that are not yet in the bus. and when you see a bus that is late come, it is as if you see something so heavenly. i mean i was so happy. cause people were already complaining when the bus is 5mins late and i used to have buses that were late for more than half an hour and all the customers were all super fierce today. i'm very tired right now. feel like sleeping.

yesterday was a horrible day. i had a waffle pancake for breakfast, a pao for lunch then i ate dinner only about 10 because i had to wait until jas finish doing her nails then we can go and eat. so in the end, we went for far east to plaza sing because there are just too much people there. we had pastamania, it was not too bad but i think i eat less than 10 spoonfuls of noodles because i was having terrible terrible gastric and everytime i move, it is already painful enough to kill me. it is not that i don't want eat but i can only settle for a pao for lunch because i don't have time for a good meal. and then jas and i walk all the way down to cathay, hoping to get a cab because there was too many people at the taxi queue and in the end, we got a cab near hotel rendevous. my cab fare was only like 4 bucks. super cheap and fast. of course you can't compare the price to taking the bus. but 4 bucks for a cab fare is already very cheap to me. from my workplace to dunman road cost around 5plus6.

just finish my porridge. not exactly finish cause i don't have the mood to eat and i don't want to eat too much. i hope this will only be temporary because as much as i want to slim down, i don't want to be suffering like that. the gastric was so horrible.

i'm happy because i have sorted out all my thoughts. because of my stupid thinking and everything that is happening, i had a hard time trying to fall asleep this few days. and i'm so deprived of my sleep. it will no longer bother me. i'm free. i realise that it is not something that i've wanted and seriously think that i've thought too much. trying to love someone takes alot of effort and time and i just don't have all this right now.

yesterday was day 2 of demure and pleasant. i still manage to do it except that i was kinda emo. (as usual) must i did that does not affect demure and pleasant because emo can also be pleasant. i'm already getting abit irritated. it always happen when i do not have enough sleep. i will get short tempered very easily and i will be super impatient. i've tried to change but i just can't. it just comes out naturally. probably i can never be demure and pleasant. i can only pretend. come to think of it, it's sad.

however, i'm still wishing and hoping for miracles.

a joke, a great big one. we are just not meant to be.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 7:12 AM

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm so so confused now. what am i thinking? there is so many things on my mind. what now?

how i wish people did not bring up that topic. how i wish i would be as nonchalant as before. not caring about anything and live in my own world. not caring what others would say and won't bother what they will do. but...

yesterday was the 1st day of me being demure and pleasant. overall, i think i was not too bad. i was smiling the whole day and i don't think i even flared up. but i know that there was a few times that i nearly shouted at jas. i think everyone who talk to jas would want to vomit blood. you just would, and that would be no reason for it. i'm evil but i'm still demure and pleasant. =)

today should not be a problem. because i will be working and i've been in a good mood since this morning. facing every customer with a smile and i was surprisingly pleasant to customers that refused to listen to me but kept asking me questions. i think i've changed. HAHAHA.

i want to slim down. i want to slim down. i think it is because of my mentality because i was actually hungry last night but when i saw so much food, i don't know what to eat and when i think of me eating all those food, i feel like puking so in the end, i just ate a plate of fruits. so now, i'm so hungry but if i would to get myself a plate of bee hoon or rice, i don't think i would be able to eat half of it. just thinking about it makes me full. if that is the case, i think i would be able to save some money. looking at food and already feeling full. 忘梅止渴。

i'm tired of the whole process. i'm tired of always giving. i'm tired of waiting and waiting. i just see no point in doing all this. to tell the truth, i don't think i would have the confidence in anything already. too many times of failure, confidence will crumble. people like me are just with a brave front. i hate myself like that sometimes. but that is how life is. we are forced to be something we are not because of the environment we are in.

chalet on monday. kinda looking forward to it because this is the first time that i actually organised something. not really excited but i just hope everything will turn out fine. kenneth promised to make chawanmushi which i seriously doubt that he will do so, all empty promises. and also he is meeting hua yu 6am at pasir panjang wharf to buy the freshest seafood. and then after that i would be getting a lift from him to go to the chalet. it's good to have someone living near you. thanks kenneth for being so KIND. (i sound sarcastic.)

so what am i suppose to do now, i'm really clueless. i don't think i want to follow my heart. i want no more heartaches, i don't want any of all those anymore. i'm sick and tired of all these. it just doesn't help. having people constantly discussing about is not a good thing.

i want to try and go ahead but i just don't have the courage nor the patience to do anything, anymore.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Thursday, May 17, 2007 at 10:56 PM

finally! everything is back to normal and i can post. so means that at that point of time there is something wrong with the server and not my computer's problem. =)

went out with jacintha to tiong bahru today, intended to buy shorts but they don't have anything there, not even a giordano! o we ended up eating at sakae and having a mocha and we went to school. we are good girls. =)

nowadays, kenneth got no more time to look at my post because he is simply too BUSY. got too much things to do and don't even bother about looking at my blog even though he once promise to do so. that is the power of love. they make you forget everything.

had a super long talk with jas today. but i feel that after so much that i've done, i don't feel silly or i would even continue to help him and jas was like swearing and swearing and saying why am i so stupid. HAHA. it always happens.

this was at villa'ge and we were really eating ALOT. but it was sometime back.

this was one of the days where me and jas skip school and we went COCA restaurant.

this is the overcooked prawns. since the both of us were also "overcooked" (sunburnt)

i promise to be a demure and pleasant girl from today onwards. because apparently i've been given some horrible comments about me being very bad-tempered so i am going to change. i feel so disgusted with myself and like what hua yu says, if you do one thousand good things and one bad thing, people will only remember the bad thing and they will forget about all the good things. but anyway, it is for my own good. and one more thing, i'm trying to slim down, not for anyone but i just feel that i need to. i'm eating so much lesser everyday and everyone of us goes for badminton at least once a week. we are healthy.

i think i would be needing a check-up soon. i keep feeling nauseous nowadays and have little appetite for food and there is definitely not me. i just don't know why. or probably so, i'm dying soon.

just don't let anything go furthur. i can't prevent anything from happening but i'm stopping myself.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Sunday, May 13, 2007 at 9:46 PM

i don't know what is wrong with my computer. suddenly it becomes like that and it just cannot be solved. super super irritating.

didn't go to work today because i was so tired. i reach home only at 11plus. i was so tired that i know that if i don't sleep i will faint because i kept having dizzy spells. i was trying to catch some sleep when i was in the cab but the uncle keep talking and talking to me, how to sleep? so today, after having enough sleep, i wake up at 11plus. then after that got ready and went out.

tomorrow going to the brewery. don't feel like going because i have piano before that and it means that i would have rush all the way down and it is very troublesome. but what to do, everyone's going.

i'm seeing you everywhere i go. what does that mean? that i miss you alot? BULLSHIT.

i guess that would be the last time that this kind of things would happen. smile or cry. as what i said, probably it is just me. i've got no more mood now.

if only..........

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Saturday, May 12, 2007 at 6:53 AM

there is something wrong with my computer. it just cannot log into blogger. i wanted to post two days ago but the computer just won't let me do it. irritating. didn't know that i've already not post for more than one week. everyday i would think about posting but everyday i would be dragging and delaying it to another day and another day and thats why i'm posting now and also because i'm working and there is absoulutely nothing i can do. if i don't get to do anything, i will fall asleep. lucky i have no tuition today. exams just finish and i think me and them need a break. the kids have been studying real hard and i hope that they will get good results.

alright. my eyes is are closing very soon. i'm so so tired, i think i slept less than 5 hours yesterday. and sitting here is even worse because it is so comfortable. i seriously hate this kind of life. don't feel like going anywhere except going home.

i realise that i've been kind of short tempered lately. always getting pissed off or getting angry over the smallest thing. i don't know what is wrong is me. is it because people are irritating me or i'm just being irritating? it has been a long while since i really lose my temper. i guess because i just have some things in my mind for a very long time and i just can't get it off somehow.

now then i know that the tears that are shed are all useless. now then i realise that being heartbroken is absoulutely being very stupid and dumb. so much was given out and i doubt any of it were ever returned. feel like great big fool. to think about all those tears and all those horrifying nightmares but to me now, all of this won't and will never matter anymore. that was just not me at that time.

i always wonder why am i doing so much. i know that whatever i do will definitely not be reciprocated but somehow, i just am so used to doing all those things. but whatever, i will never overdo things. probably like what others say. it is just out of gratitude.

after having lessons in the afternoon now, i realise that all afternoons are actually very precious. i can do alot of things if i don't have school. in the past, class finish at 12pm and we can do alot of things in the afternoon. but now, we are so limited. as in we can 0nly go out before class starts or after class starts and it is super boring.

okay. i'm super busy now.

i'm just being super irritating to everyone around me.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007 at 9:39 PM

just can't people can change just like that. i mean seriously, what happen to timothy? i don't think that is the timonthy that i know or maybe, i just don't know the real him. but who cares, he can just go and die. A guy with no balls and get girls to cover his mistake for him. Irritating!

i'm feeling so stuffy. so many things trapped in my mind. i can't sleep well this few days, ever since Mr Ho thing happen. to think that a person can just be gone like that, why do good and kind people always die so early? probably i should do evil things and probably rob the bank or something to live longer. i mean it is just so unfair, he was such a good teacher and friend to alot of people. the only thing i remember is his laughter and that is how he brought laughter into our lives, we were always laughing and smiling when we were around with him. i think i'm getting emo again. =(

tomorrow's gonna be a busy day. playing badminton in the morning with h.y, jas and kenneth. then we have school till 5pm. then after that going shopping with jas and nat. has been a long time since the three of us went shopping together, i think the last time was for the chinese new year clothes. another spending day. my account is emptying soon, already close to drying up.

sometimes, is it worth it to care so much for a person? to like this person to such an extent that you will be willing to do anything for him? and in the end, found him holding hands with another girl? i think that "as long as you are happy, then i will happy" thing is just total bullshit. how to be happy when this girl/guy you are madly falling in love with, gets together with another guy/girl? or even worse, someone that you are close with and know that you have feelings for him? doing so much and ended up with nothing, not even a word of thanks. probably a word of sorry but i don't think it is enough. sorry does not meant the world and it does not heal any wound or heartbreaks you cause. it just sucks. seriously.

if you want to be forget everything and pretend that nothing has happen before, or pretend that i've never met you before, then you will have to get a baseball bat and hit me hard on my head, then i will get amnesia and i will forget everything. or probably stab me in the heart so i won't even have to try hard to think about what has happen before and there will also not be any possibility of me remembering anything about it.

there i go again. getting so damm emo. stupid. spoiling my whole mood. SUCKS!

you deserved everything more than me.

You're never forgotten and always respected. Mr Ho. with lots and lots of love.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 at 6:40 AM

and i was right. i was almost late for work, i woke up at 5.45am when i was suppose to wake up at 5 and i am supposed to report to work at 6. i already expected this, since i was not able to sleep yesterday. only reach home at about 11plus then i think by the time i get to sleep it is about 1. so means that i only manage to sleep about 4hours.

i don't think i would like to talk about yesterday since it is not a happy occasion but it is sad to think that this is the only occasion where friends for so long can get together. i guess that a brave battle was fought and just that luck was not on his side or probably it is time to stop all the suffering to get on to a better place. but he is always our Mr Happy Ho. =) No matter what happens.

i admired him for his positive attitude and no matter how he felt or how bad his day was, he will always be smiling and laughing away. i admired him for not letting people worry about him, he always gives people priority before himself, cared about people before thinking about himself. his unselfish character makes people like him more.

time is passing so slowly. sometimes i really cannot stand aunties. they ask one thousand and one questions. and it is not like they will listen after i explained to them so i ended up having to tell them alot of times and of course, people like me will get irritated and then, they blamed me and say that i'm very impatient. but how do you expect me to be patient after they asked you the same thing so many times and they refused to listen what you have to say and after that, they accused of not explaining properly. and how can i not get AGITATED? seriously irritating.

i'm going off at 2pm. quite happy because i thought i will have to work till 6pm since it is the public holiday, but my supervisor put me till 2pm, so i can go home and rest and get back my sleep. but poor jus will have to work till10pm after not having enough sleep for consecutively 3 days.( i think so)

in my opinion, i would still say the same thing. you choose your own path, we choose or we decide what we want to do. no one can force us to think differently but if that person refused to give up the past and walk towards the future then what is whole point? why give people hope then after that smashed it? i just feel that sorry doesn't cure heartaches and neither does it let people forget everything. it just doesn't happen this way. if you have decide to go on with your decision, then let go of the other choice. the one suffering is not only one person but also the other one involved. even though i may not know what exactly is happening and i may not know everything that is happening but it just happens to everyone. everyone face problems and it is just the way you deal with it. never avoid the problem and try to run away from it. it may be a temporary escape for you, but it will never be permanent. what happened has happened and there is nothing like "pretend nothing has happen before" kind of thing. if you don't let go of the past then how to go on to the future? if old things don't go, then how to allow new things to come? 旧的不去，新的怎么来？

still haven't finish my econs essay question. feel very tired to start and also very lazy. and also the exams have just been over for some time so i still feel quite relaxed and not having the mood to study. but then, i don't think i have any choice at all. sad.

i realise now why things will turn out this way. probably we are just not meant to be.

always in our heart. the best teacher ever. Mr Ho.C.K

i'm taking forever to forget you.