Say it OnLy if you mean it.

Saturday, June 30, 2007 at 11:55 AM

i'm feeling so so sleepy. as usual, not enough sleep. kept tossing around till about 12 plus. everytime when i have work, i will always be like that. something wrong with my mentality.

youth day on monday! and i'm having a self-declared holiday. i'm still a youth anyway. =) have alrady book the court and i will be playing badminton with my sis and justina. hope we will have lots of fun and also lots of workout.

yesterday played badminton at bukit gombak. but it was kinda boring. most of us have no mood to play or was not concentrating enough.we played from 11-1pm but jas only came at 12.30. so smart. after that we went to school and was surprisingly only 1/2 hour late for school. (that is already quite good enough.)

one and half more week and then it will be the study week already. and that would be the time where all of us would be separated. some would have to work and others would just laze around but i don't think we would be hanging as much as now. don't bother and don't care.

he called me that day. can't really say that i'm happy but i was surprised. all the things that you say just make me feel touched. but as i said, what is over is over and i have got over it long long time ago.

i just don't understand. i kept trying to keep myself away from you and stop thinking about it but no matter what you are trying to do, i just can't seem to bring myself to be angry at you or even hate you. why? probably you are really trying to irritate me or you are trying to make me hate you but i just wanna say that i'm sorry i cannot do it.

why can't some people act their own age? they are already 20plus but yet they are so childish. skipping around like a small kid, and whining like no one's business. if you want to do all this, do it somewhere out of people's sight. it is such an eyesore and i don't see why we shoulkd suffer. why can't people be more mature? is it that hard? you can flirt for all you like but please don't do it infront of me. you can go to some pubs or clubs and do it to all the guys there. i'm sure they will appreciate it more than i do.

alright. enough of gossiping. going off in another 2 hours. seriously cannot wait to go off. after that going home and sleep! if i am not tired that today will be grooming day. gotta clean that pig sty of mine and also make sure that everything is clean and spotless.

东西不能只看表面。

wishes are meant not to be granted and promises are meant to be broken.

how i wish you were by my side.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Thursday, June 28, 2007 at 10:42 PM

我终于还是说了一句我爱你
还记得那个微凉夜里天空正飘着小雨
心跳的声音像舞动奇迹
你看着我说千万不要爱上你
因为你只会让我伤心别傻了快点喊停
你那么冷静忽远又忽近
我知道我对你来说也许太年轻
我想我猜我问我终于了解
原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味

只想爱你
当我和你走在一起就已经决定
不看不听不问也不会放弃
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定
只想爱你
好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你
我知道我偶尔有一点任性
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避
sorry我还是不会放弃爱你

sorry我还是不会放弃
我还是不会放弃爱你

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007 at 9:32 AM

when i have time to sleep, i don't want to sleep. yesterday slept at about 1-ish but today, wake up at 8plus. i think i am really mad. not enough complain then when there is enough time for me to have enough sleep, i wake up so early. something wrong with my body.

yesterday didn't go school partially cause my mum was sick and i had to accompany her but i think it is just that i was plain lazy. loads of excuses. i just find that it is quite a waste of time to go for that 3 hours then after that head home again. might as well stay at home and enjoy that 3 hours.

finally finish my HR assignment. that would be the end of all assignments! i don't think i will score well but seriously, i don't care. i already did the best i could, how to do when you have no idea what the assignment is about? i'm losing my concentration and focus in studying. i don't know why.

exams coming soon and the last thing that i want to happen is to fail my papers. i will try all my best to work hard for these 3 papers. no more slacking and excuses! i must motivate myself!!! econs test is coming in 3 days and i have not studied yet. talk about working hard. =.=

i was thinking, how great it would be to leave everything behind and have a fresh start in some country where no one will know who you are. you would be able to make new friends and start everything all over again. know your mistakes and never make them again. i'm planning to do it, as much as i would miss my friends over here, i would even appreciate to go to another new and better environment.

meeting jas at TB later for lunch and then we will head to school after that. i think i would be going home after that, nowadays spending alot of time with my sis. to her it is good cause whenever we go out, she does not have to spend a single cent. i would have to pay for most of her stuff. i also like and would want a elder sis.

i think this song just matches me just too well.

怎么说忘就忘记
这甜蜜的过去
被思念包着厚厚的糖衣
不想再为了你伤心
这最冷的夏季
慢慢地慢慢结成冰
承诺变悲哀悲哀

因我被爱悲哀是因为你不在
我好想抱着你诉苦
却显得好无助
无助的让人想痛哭

我只想要和你在一起
朝着幸福走去
像恋人般的简单甜蜜

我只想要和你不分离
怎么轻易放弃
说你忘记

我想这一定是报应
都怪我太贪心
才让你头也不回的离去
黄色丝巾是想念
在树上被风吹
孤单的孤单一个人无法沉睡

承诺变悲哀悲哀
因我被爱悲哀是因为你不在
我好想抱着你诉苦
却显得好无助
无助的让人想痛哭

我只想要和你在一起
朝着幸福走去
像恋人般的简单甜蜜

我只想要和你不分离
怎么轻易放弃
说你忘记

爱情怎么会让每颗心都碎
我不再相信你
却又慢慢想起你

i guess in everyone's life, that would always be a theme song for them. some may be a happy one and some would be a sad one and in my case, it is just not that pleasant.

i'm trying, i really am.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Saturday, June 23, 2007 at 11:41 AM

was feeling kinda hyper this morning but the customers were not that pleasant. already in the morning at 6am, i've received 2 customers' complaint saying that they have lost the stuff in the bus. and one of them was basically shouting at us when he needs help. i understand that you are frustrated because you lost your phone but you don't go around throwing your temper at other people and especially when they are helping you!

probably i am not doing the right thing but i've already decided what i want to do and i shall hold on to it. and even if i might not get what i want in the end, i will try my very best to do it.

now is already 1.30pm and there is still no reply from kenneth. guess he must still be sleeping. either he slept very late at night yesterday or he is just PIG and i guess it is the latter. HAHA. want to ask if he is interested to go for jogging later but seems like the answer is obvious. thought of asking my sis but she has netball from 7-4pm today and i think she will be like a dead pig later. so i also think the answer would be obvious.

alright. i think i gotta start my dieting scheme again. i feel that i am gaining all those fats again. so now, more exercising and less food. i'll be back to my granola bars and my fruits.

later having tuition and then i'll be back home and probably trying to finish up my pathetic project or if my sister is not tired, maybe grab for some sports activity. now that i have only 2 tuition, i feel that my life is not that tense and that i have more time to myself and i also enjoy teaching just the two students. they are just lovable. =)

gotta wrap up soon. going off in about half an hour. tomorrow jus is not working so it will just be me till 2pm. gotta settle my own breakfast too. i have not touch the donuts yet but i am constantly thinking of them. they are so so tempting but i guess it would be a long long while till i would have the time or i would want to queue for it again. 3 hours for a box of donuts is just too long. opportunity cost is also very high. (econs)

it may not be right but i am sure of what i want.

you are what i want.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Friday, June 22, 2007 at 9:09 AM

and here i am, posting again and as usual, i can't get back to sleep. once i awake, all the thoughts will come running into my mind and then, my mind would be so crammed of all this stupid stuff and leaves me with no choice but to get up. i'm tired of this life.

so fast and it is already friday. our one week holiday is coming to an end soon. assignment date due and the class test is also following behind. and it is soon the beginning of our stressed lives.

thinking about tomorrow kinda makes me feel even more tired. having to wake up at 5am and working at 6am. at this point, i can't think of the money that i would be making since it is also not big bucks anyway. it is basically the same routine every single week.

i feel like talking to someone and just let everything go. i want to be free from all this thoughts. it is somehow terrifying me and i am going to go crazy some day and i'm sure of it. feel like talking but at the same time, don't know if i should just tell all of my problems or should i just keep quiet. i know i am irritating and contradicting. just leave me alone.

since someone says that my posts are so short, i will try and lengthen it but i feel that the longer i write, the more my post would be emo. guess i would never be separated from that word. i am who i am.

i am reading this book called my ex-boyfriend handbook and i have come across some very meaningful or rather very "sense" sentences. let me all put it together and then i will post it here and let everyone enjoy. nowadays going back to the nerdy days, like reading alot and i've spend less than a week to finish one book. probably gonna some more later. already have some book titles in my mind.

okay. the plan for today. i'm going to my mum office to pass her the phone and then after that, if i have time, probably to the bookstore for story books and then will meet the gang at raffles cause they are going to queue for donuts and if it is already late then i will make my way home. yup. i know my life's boring but then again, why the need for having it so full of surprises. i don't wanna lead a life that james bond have, always living in fear or being so protective and uptight about what is happening around.

i guess that is about it. i'm slowly running out of ideas and i'm kinda in a hurry. so see ya!

some things just cannot be forced.

just tell me so and i will do it. i'm waiting.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 9:11 AM

the internet in my house is fixed, it is still not wireless but i guess it is better than nothing so now i am posting on my sis com. today is basically a very boring day, as usual, i don't know why did i wake up so early. probably meeting nat later to do the HR project.

my dad went back to philippines this morning. kinda boring without him, hope he will be back soon even though i doubt so. he has so many things to do there.

i'm stuck. don't know what to write about. i'm alone at home again, only this time it feels different cause i know that at the end of the day, my mum and my sis will be back. it doesn't feel as relaxing as that time when they were all abroad.

this few days i have been dreaming about very strange stuff. 2 nights ago, i dreamt that i was waiting for jas for a very long time, then after that, she just went off without telling me and i so angry that i ran after her and gave her a tight slap and then i just walk off. HAHA. i just think that it is so not like me. firstly, i would not probably slap anyone just because of a small thing and secondly. she is JACINTHA! =)

why is my mind filled with so many you? why can't i have a moment alone? it is so tiring and i am constantly disturbed by it, the first thing i wake up, you would be in my mind. can't i just get rid of it? if this continues, i think sooner or later i will be admitting to IMH. i can't handle stress.

alright, i guess it is time for me to get ready. i will probably post again on saturday. see ya folks!

till when will things have an ending?

what is happening?

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Sunday, June 17, 2007 at 11:53 AM

and it did happen. something that i was trying to avoid but at the end of the day, it still happened. seriously, i would rather not join any competition if we were to end up like that and what does this means, that our friendship is actually not as strong as what we thought it was or it was actually just superficial in the first place. probably that wasn't sufficient communication and too much misunderstandings. even people who are not involved were also somehow pulled into this matter.

i just don't understand. all we wanted in the first place when we join the competition was to just have fun and now, we won a prize, things become like that. now i know why some families can quarrel and even go to court just to win the inheritance left by their family members. 钱真的可以伤感情。

now, i don't care what would be the outcome of the prize or what will we do about it. all i want is to hope that we would be able to get back together and forget about what has happen before. i mean, even if all is in pretence i think it would be fine, since there is just a little time till we all finish our diploma course. i don't care already and it is so not worth it.

i am looking to my left and right instead of concentrating on my post. it just seems that the people beside me are doing much more interestesting things than what i am doing. jus is playing on the games she could find on the website and my colleague beside me is chatting non stop to his friends on msn. ain't life relaxing? sitting here doing nothing except our own stuff, there is absoulutely no customers. all our counters are empty and the phones are also not ringing as much as they used to. what a leisure sunday afternoon, if only all working days are like that.

20 more minutes and i will be off from work. my parents just came home this morning at about 3 plus. the first thing my mum say to me when she saw me was to ask me to get out of her bed cause she is tired and she wants to sleep. so i just got out and i went to my room but i could not sleep cause she on the television and the volume was so loud. =.=

probably i should change my blog to How to make people EMO as suggested by kenneth. well, you can't blame me if i am emo, i'm like that in nature. there is never-ending problems in my life and my life just gets worse and worse. i really wonder how can people always smile and always think so positively. there are people that will never get angry no matter how other provoke them and they will always be laughing and smiling away.

i think thats all for today. not really in the mood. i really want to get slim. how? i am fat fat FAT!

that is a limit to everyone's tolerance.

missing your presence.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Saturday, June 16, 2007 at 9:22 AM

only manage to find time now to post. was kinda busy this morning, 7am was alright but there were more buses at 8am. even though it was very busy, i was basically slacking the whole time. there were 3 guys on shift and plus me. so they were the ones running around and explaining to customers while i am just sitting down doing nothing. i feel bad but nevermind, i'm sure the guys won't mind. =)

i think there is seriously something wrong with me. this few days, i would automatically wake up at about 6plus, regardless of what time i sleep and then i would be spending half of my sleeping time tossing and turning in bed. and even though i have 8 hours of sleep, i would still be very very sleepy and then my appetite is not very good either and sometimes, i would have difficulty breathing or my heart will beat very fast. with all these conclusions, i think there is something wrong with me. any recommendations for doctor? women's clinic preferably.

i think nowadays, the group of us are becoming a little childish. probably cause there is too much hanging around with me, nat and jas. but so, people may be mature or older in age, it doesn't means that they are not to have their childish moments. just like me, i can say that sometimes, i am damm childish but so what, at the end of the day, i am only 18 years of age, turning 19 this year. i know i can be quite irritating at times too.

there are still problems yet to be solved but i hope that it will be done soon. firstly, i don't want my ears to suffer everyday and also i don't want to constantly disturbed by it everyday. i would rather save the friendship than talk about anything else.

oh, and i find out that it wasn't a bad idea to stay at home alone. and now, how i wish i could have had more time alone. it is not that i won't have to go home so early. even without my parents, i would reach home before 9pm. i just like the feeling of going home and relaxing, knowing that no one would be at home and you can do everything alone and the whole house is so quiet and no one to disturb you. so, i should try talking to my mum and sis and see when they can all go holiday together again.

now, talk about my own problems. but i don't know where to start. =.= i think the only thing i can say is, if you are all set to irritate me, i think you've done it already so STOP doing all these, it is not as if i am not suffering enough. how i wish i am able to tell you how i feel but i just don't think it would be possible. the always positive and optimistic me is gone and replaced by a no confident and pessimistic me. recently, i've been thinking about sleeping and then not waking up the next day. i guess i would rather die so i won't have to wake up the next day with so much problems and troubles and constantly having to put up with some other people's tempers. everyone is allow to throw tempers and i am supposed to be the one accomodating them and when i am in a bad mood, they say that i am moody and have a very bad temper. in what way is it fair?

jus not working today and i'm bored. i'm just waiting for time to pass so i can go off. finishing at 4 today. may or may not be meeting jus for dinner today. i'm tired and i have not enough sleep.parents and my deary sis is coming back tomorrow. kinda missed them but then again, don't really missed them.

what is contented? to be with the one you like? to have what you want? or as long as the people around you are happy? smiles are seen everyday but which ones are truly from the heart? people laugh and talk to each other but who knows if they are talking behind their backs?

i'm getting so sick of my life and the way people treat each other. we may say that we don't care about what people say but at the end of the day, we live for other people and it is because of their comments that we change.

无条件为你不顾明天的安稳,为你变坚强相信你的眼神,不敢想不敢问有一天坏的可能.

giving all i have. i'm just hoping for a small return but i guess it will take a miracle.

i'm thinking about you again.

i'm taking forever to forget you.

Sunday, June 10, 2007 at 8:21 AM

finally, i'm able to post. my internet connection is down and i have absolutely no idea how to fix it, so i would have to live my life without it. has been a long time since i was able to go online and do my stuff and right now, it is only made possible cause i am working.

so many things happen this few days, be it important or not. i don't even know when to start.

yesterday, went for the AA heritage drive, reach there at about 7, i've only slept for about 1 and half hour. overall, i enjoyed myself, and i'm sure all of us had too. i think we were the youngest team that took part and out of the 100plus cars that participated, we got the 7th! so proud of ourselves, we didn't expected ourselves to win, all we wanted was to go and have the experience and most important of all, was to have lots and lots of fun.

the whole thing ended at about 2 plus, and then kenneth fetch me home. reach home at about3 and then went to bed almost immediately. i think i slept all the way till this morning at 5. i was so tired and that was about 14hours of sleep. =) it has been a long long time since i was able to sleep like a pig.

but, i'm still feeling tired. probably cause i had too much sleep, my eyes are closing now.

i don't know what i want. i don't know what i am doing. what will happen?

saw him and her at cathay that day. seriously, they have been together for quite some time and they seems so stable. of course i'm not wanting them to break up nor do i want to break them up because i think it would be more than impossible so what i can do is just to wish the both of them happy. seriously, from the bottom of my heart. after all, she is so much better than me. =)

i'm thinking of working in the office more often. since i have some of my afternoons free, i might as well come here and earn money but all this is not confirm, i still need to check my schedule. i just want to earn as much money as possible. there is alot of things that i want to buy and i need to save money too.

i will be home alone from monday to sunday, one full week. not really happy cause i would be alone when i reach home and now that i don't get to go on the net, it would even be more boring. just not fair, my sis going chiang mai. i don't even get to go anywhere furthur than malaysia when i was in secondary school. and she gets to spend a week in THAILAND!

right now, at the current political situation that thailand is in, how to chio people to go with me? i would not mind to go there but i doubt my parents would allow me to go alone. i also thought of going for another thai language lesson but i don't think i would have the time and i would also want to go for the lesson somewhere else.

POM project done. one more HR assignment to go. that due date would be on the 26th Jun if i am not wrong. not going to start now but i am not going to do it last minute too. i've already started a little bit and it is really a little bit.

sleep a little also tired, sleep too much also tired. don't know what's wrong with my body. mad! but i figured out that if i were to sleep through dinner time everyday, confirm can slim down. cause you won't feel tired when you are sleeping and thus would be able to skip dinner. Good idea!

if you say that you are not bothered by it, then why are you constantly talking about it? are you trying to put up a brave front? i don't want to be bothered by it anymore but i just stop myself from thinking about it. every morning i wake up, that would be the first thing that comes up to my mind. and every time i'm sitting there doing nothing and daydreaming, it would also come up to my mind but what am i thinking? i'm asking myself the same question, hoping to get a answer but at the end of the day, the question still remain unsolved. feel like getting a counsellor to answer my questions. i need no advice but an answer.

how and what to do? i don't want to have all this bothering me every single moment, every single day. i'm getting tired of it already. always finding no mood to do things and losing my concentration very easily. what is becoming of me? what do i really want?

40mins till i finish work, after that i stil have tuition. now that my parents are not in singapore, kinda bored.. cause no one i can disturb. not going to grandma house too. so bored.

i have tons of photos to upload but i'll have to wait till the internet in my house is repaired. =(

don't force yourself you love a person because of a deal, do it because you really love her.

i'm missing you.

(spelling checked by kenneth)

i'm taking forever to forget you.