Say it OnLy if you mean it.

Saturday, May 19, 2007 at 7:12 AM

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm so so confused now. what am i thinking? there is so many things on my mind. what now?

how i wish people did not bring up that topic. how i wish i would be as nonchalant as before. not caring about anything and live in my own world. not caring what others would say and won't bother what they will do. but...

yesterday was the 1st day of me being demure and pleasant. overall, i think i was not too bad. i was smiling the whole day and i don't think i even flared up. but i know that there was a few times that i nearly shouted at jas. i think everyone who talk to jas would want to vomit blood. you just would, and that would be no reason for it. i'm evil but i'm still demure and pleasant. =)

today should not be a problem. because i will be working and i've been in a good mood since this morning. facing every customer with a smile and i was surprisingly pleasant to customers that refused to listen to me but kept asking me questions. i think i've changed. HAHAHA.

i want to slim down. i want to slim down. i think it is because of my mentality because i was actually hungry last night but when i saw so much food, i don't know what to eat and when i think of me eating all those food, i feel like puking so in the end, i just ate a plate of fruits. so now, i'm so hungry but if i would to get myself a plate of bee hoon or rice, i don't think i would be able to eat half of it. just thinking about it makes me full. if that is the case, i think i would be able to save some money. looking at food and already feeling full. 忘梅止渴。

i'm tired of the whole process. i'm tired of always giving. i'm tired of waiting and waiting. i just see no point in doing all this. to tell the truth, i don't think i would have the confidence in anything already. too many times of failure, confidence will crumble. people like me are just with a brave front. i hate myself like that sometimes. but that is how life is. we are forced to be something we are not because of the environment we are in.

chalet on monday. kinda looking forward to it because this is the first time that i actually organised something. not really excited but i just hope everything will turn out fine. kenneth promised to make chawanmushi which i seriously doubt that he will do so, all empty promises. and also he is meeting hua yu 6am at pasir panjang wharf to buy the freshest seafood. and then after that i would be getting a lift from him to go to the chalet. it's good to have someone living near you. thanks kenneth for being so KIND. (i sound sarcastic.)

so what am i suppose to do now, i'm really clueless. i don't think i want to follow my heart. i want no more heartaches, i don't want any of all those anymore. i'm sick and tired of all these. it just doesn't help. having people constantly discussing about is not a good thing.

i want to try and go ahead but i just don't have the courage nor the patience to do anything, anymore.

i'm taking forever to forget you.